


My Words Are Failing Me

by thereturnofthenerd



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, College Student Eren Yeager, F/F, F/M, How Do I Tag, I dont write smut, I will add tags as I go along, M/M, Musician Eren Yeager, Police Officer Levi (Shingeki no Kyojin), Titan-Haired Eren Yeager, sorry - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-10-22
Updated: 2017-10-31
Packaged: 2019-01-21 09:09:49
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,613
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12454149
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thereturnofthenerd/pseuds/thereturnofthenerd
Summary: Eren Jaeger lives in a shitty apartment with his best-friends Armin and Mikasa. He doesn't have a whole lot of money and the only thing that keeps him going in life is his guitar. He practises and pratises until his fingers bleed and plays at bars whenever he can.One night, he meets a handsome man and they get it off in a most romantic way: A bathroom stall. Eren, who doesn't like to get attached to people, runs away afterwards and leaves the man alone.Levi Ackerman likes his job. He just doesn't like the people he has to deal with. To help him relax, he decides to go to a bar one night after work. There, he meets a beautiful kid with bright... Green eyes or blue eyes? He isn't sure. The guy flirts with him and Levi desides to have some fun, in a bathroom stall. Not the cleanest one too. After a pretty intense blowjob, the boy runs away, leaving a troubled Levi alone.What Eren didn't expect though was meeting the stranger once more.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Sooo, hey. This is my first fanfic so please go easy on me.  
> There may be spelling mistakes because english isn't my first language but i'll try my best :)

‘I’m dying! Help me Armin!” I looked at him but he was busy sniffing the words out of his science books, as always. I turned my head towards the girl sitting next to him. “Mikasa! I’m so bored.”

“Eren, stop it. I have to get ready for work.” Mikasa looked at me with narrowed eyes, as if I was a little kid that would burn the apartment down as soon as she turned her back. I probably would though. I flopped back down onto the couch and sighed loudly.  
I was so bored and I didn’t know what to do. I couldn’t practice for my gig because Armin needed peace and quiet. Apparently, I wasn’t peace and quiet. I was more of a pest that annoyed the hell out of him, but that was fine to me since I loved being annoying. It was my favourite past-time.

The door slammed shut and I knew Mikasa was gone so I lifted myself up once more and walked to my bedroom that I shared with Armin, the blond little genius. My guitar was still carefully laid on my bed. Hermione (Yes, I had named my guitar after a book character) was a pale shade of brown, full of scratches. When I had turned twelve, my mother had given me Hermione and I had carved my initials on her in a messy handwriting. Armin and Mikasa both thought she looked ridiculous but I didn’t think so. In fact, I thought she was beautiful.

I made my way to the front door with Hermione in her case, stopping before Armin. “I’m going out ‘Min. I’ll be coming back late.” I thought for a second before adding, “Or maybe I’ll meet my Prince Charming for the night and won’t come back at all.” I winked at him when he glared at me disapprovingly. 

***

The streets were noisy when I left the apartment. Kids were running around with parents yelling after them. Elders were sitting on benches, talking to each other with smiles on their faces as they reminisced about their childhood while looking at the kids. A middle-aged man was playing guitar in a corner with his guitar case open to receive what money he could have, trying his best in his miserable financial situation. I walked up to the man as he played an Eric Clapton song. I smiled at him and gave him the change I had in my almost empty wallet. I stayed there for a while to listen to the guitarist who was pretty good, in my opinion.

After a while of doing nothing but listening to some good music, I checked my watch and almost (almost) had a panic attack. I had half an hour to get to the bar and get ready.

Shit.

Fuck.

Okay, you can do this Eren, I told myself. I slung my guitar over my back and started running. And running. And running. I was out of breath after ten minutes and my hair was all over my face but I kept on going anyway. My legs started burning a few minutes later and now I was eating my hair at the same time but still I ran. Finally, I made it to the Dot&Chicks bar five minutes early and I let out a long, shaky breath. 

Bertholdt, the doorman, smiled at me. “You’re almost late Eren, Pixis is in a foul mood, just saying,” He said.

“Thanks for the warning bro!” He let me in with no trouble. “See ya later if the old man doesn’t kill me.” I laughed.

I went backstage and unpacked Hermione delicately. Pixis was there when turned around towards the door. He looked angry and it made me feel nervous but I knew him pretty well and knew he wouldn’t actually kill me. Although, for new people, it was difficult to know that. Pixis rolled his eyes and went back to the bar when I gave him a sheepish smile while I tuned my guitar in a few seconds. I tied my hair in a bun before walking towards the stage where the bar’s band was waiting for me, Ymir on the drums, Reiner on the bass. I plugged Hermione on the amplifier, and tapped on her to see if the sound worked. I took a deep breath and then we started playing.

C'mon c'mon, c'mon c'mon  
On those Saturdays when kids go out and play,  
Yo I was up in my room I let the stereo blaze,  
Wasn't faded, not jaded  
Just a kid with a pad and pen and a big imagination.  
All this, I seek,  
I find I push the envelope to the line,  
Make it, break it, take it  
Until I'm overrated.

After a few songs, we all took a break to drink some water and try not to die from the heat the lights made. I went to the bar to get a whiskey and met the eyes of a beautiful stranger. Honestly, to say that he was beautiful wasn’t enough, he was drop-dead gorgeous. With his eyes a mix of grey and blue and his black hair cut into a majestic undercut. Okay, maybe majestic is a little too much, but still, he was pretty nice to look at. I admired his physique while downing my whiskey.

“What are you looking at, brat.” He said in a deep and sultry voice.

I jumped at his sudden comment but then tried to look cool by giving him my best trademark wink. “Nothing,” I said with a little smile before making my way back to the band backstage.

During the next few hours of singing/screaming and guitar solos, I could see the raven-haired man in the back of the crowd, staring at me. Every time our eyes crossed, I gave him a cheeky smile and then continued singing as if nothing happened. I’ll be honest, it was a pretty fun game. I could see him trying his best to look stoic but I definitely could see a small smile on his lips once in a while. I finished the night with a song that I hadn’t planned to play but couldn’t really help myself. I let the band know and then jumped right into it.

I'm gonna make you bend and break  
Say a prayer, but let the good times roll  
In case God doesn't show  
And I want these words to make things right  
But it's the wrongs that make the words come to life  
Who does he think he is?  
If that's the worst you got, better put your fingers back to the key

I looked at the man and smirked before singing the next part. He definitely knew the song because he frowned and crossed his arms over his chest. I smiled even more.

One night and one more time  
Thanks for the memories even though they weren't so great  
He tastes like you, only sweeter  
One night, yeah, and one more time  
Thanks for the memories, thanks for the memories  
See, he tastes like you, only sweeter, oh

After I had finally finished, the room broke into a loud applause and I bowed to them before leaving the stage with Ymir and Reiner. They both looked exhausted and I guessed that I looked like that too. But that soon went away when I noticed the handsome stranger leaning against the wall beside the bar.

Come on Eren, time to shine, I said to myself as I walked towards him. He looked me up and down and I did the same. 

“Wanna fuck?” I asked.

***

We did it in a bathroom stall.

Yep.

From what I could remember before leaving very quickly afterwards without saying anything to the man that didn’t have a name, he was a fucking sex-god. I couldn’t remember exactly what had happened but I had a feeling it was better that way. I never, never remembered the other people I had fucked. That was one of my golden rules: If you don’t remember, you can’t get attached. If you don’t get attached, you don’t get hurt. That was why I always made sure I was very drunk before doing anything.

Once outside the bar, I stopped in front of Bertholdt and said, “If a guy with black hair and an undercut asks you about me, don’t say anything, bro.”

He looked at me and nodded slowly. “Okay, Eren. But you know what I think about what you keep doing.”

“Yeah, I know. And I keep telling you that you shouldn’t worry about me, I’m fine,” I told him with a smile. I patted him on the shoulder and walked away from him and the gorgeous man who was probably still in the bathroom, wondering what the hell had happened.

When I arrived back at the apartment, it was morning. Mikasa was sleeping on the couch and Armin was asleep in his bed, blankets covering his head. I placed Hermione on the floor next to my bed and decided to take a shower. I was filthy. I slept for a few hours and woke up for diner. Armin was already at the university in Trost and Mikasa had gone to work at the local garage. She wanted to be a mechanic and the dude at the garage had decided to give her a job there a year ago. She was gone most days so I rarely saw her and Armin. I ate cereal and then played guitar until I couldn’t feel my fingers anymore. I only had a few days of classes in college during the week since I had decided to take the course over three years instead of two. That allowed me to have a lot more time to play guitar and make more money to pay for college. I didn’t have money for university yet but I had enough for my last year of college.

I practiced my songs for my next gig at the same bar as the other night. Although this time I was going to play alone since Reiner and Ymir both had their day off. I didn’t have a band of my own but most bars had their own small band. At Dot&Chicks, Pixis didn’t have a singer so he almost always asked me to play with the others. I got along pretty well with Reiner but my relationship with Ymir was a little complicated. We didn’t hate each other but I don’t think she respected me very much. She always looked at me with disgust whenever I flirted with somebody. Maybe she just didn’t like my lifestyle. I didn’t necessarily like my life style either so she didn’t offend me.

I got to the bar early this time to talk with Reiner and Ymir about the songs we would play. They usually never complained about my song choices but sometimes they would chip in and give some advice. This time, when I met with them, Ymir looked angry.

“Why do you only play covers, Eren?” Ymir asked when I showed them the song list. She didn’t sound rude yet but I could feel it coming.

I frowned slightly. “Maybe because I don’t write songs?”

“Cut the shit Eren! We both saw you write. Reiner even looked at your songs once and he found them really good. I heard customers talking and they’re getting tired of only hearing songs they already know.” Ymir crossed her arms over her chest and glared at me.

I was surprised to hear about what Reiner had done and, frankly, I was getting pretty mad too. “What the fuck!” I looked at Reiner. “You looked through my stuff without—”

“I’m sorry Eren but they were just lying there. Look, I know your upset and Ymir,” He looked at the dark-skinned girl, “might have gone off a little strong. We’re just worried okay? We don’t know what’s going on with you and you’re starting to act recklessly, always arriving late and all that shit.” He looked despaired and I couldn’t stay mad at him for long with his puppy-dog eyes. He always won arguments with his puppy-dog eyes.

I sighed. “Whatever, I’m still not playing my songs though. Let’s just get through the night and then maybe I’ll consider it.”

They both nodded quietly and we waited for people to start coming in. When there were enough customers, Pixis walked in and gave us the go.

We went up on stage and started the night. After the first song, I noticed a raven-haired man wandering into the bar and leaning against the bar, staring at me.

Suddenly, I remembered hot kisses and rough hands. Wet tongue and loud panting. 

Shit.

Fuck.

This was going to be a long night.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eren is in denial.

My head started to hurt at the end of the night. It felt like someone had opened my skull, played with my brain until it was like Jell-O, and sown it back shut. I had tried to avoid the man from the other night all night long but he kept showing up everywhere I went. I wanted a drink, there he was at the bar. I went up on stage, there he was in the crowd. He looked at me from time to time and his gaze pierced through my soul. At least, it felt like it. I sure hoped that wasn’t the case. I didn’t want to talk to him but I felt like maybe I had to explain to him that I didn’t want anything to do with the man, even if he was handsome and sexy.

I sighed. Ymir came up behind me and I jumped up, glancing at her with huge eyes. She chuckled lightly. “You seemed tense all throughout the night. Are you okay? And does it have to do with the man who keeps staring at you? If it does, I can beat him up for you,” she volunteered.

“N-No that’s alright! Anyways, I can handle myself,” I affirmed confidently.

“Yeah, right,” She scoffed, “Like you handled yourself with that other man a few weeks ago?”

“Hey! That’s mean!” I pouted playfully. “And that man was more persistent than I had planned. At least this one doesn’t try to grab me. He doesn’t even talk!”

“You sounded almost sad when you said that… You know, if you like the guy, you don’t have to stay alone forever,” Ymir told me hesitantly, probably scared of making me angry.

“Wow. I never thought I would hear romantic advice from you of all people!” I joked. I didn’t want to get into a serious conversation with anyone right now, especially ones concerning my relationships.

“Whatever, do what you want,” She said before leaving me alone with Hermione and the sensation of a pair of eyes digging into me. I turned around and noticed the guy from yesterday leaning (again) against the bar.

He looked me up and down, just like the other day, and then actually said something, “I can talk, just saying.” His voice was the same as yesterday, maybe a little rougher.

“Um, okay,” I mumbled, probably looking dumb as fuck. He most certainly heard my conversation with Ymir and to say the least, I was embarrassed. “What do you want?” I asked more clearly this time.

The man gave me the look (you know, the one that says: Are you kidding me?!) and responded in a slightly aggravating voice, “I want to know why you punched me and ran away yesterday as if you had seen a ghost or something.” He touched his jaw lightly. “You can throw a proper punch, kid, that’s for sure.”

Oh, shit. I had punched him? I didn’t remember what had happened except that I had run away as quickly as possible. “I-I don’t… Remember?” What came out of my mouth sounded more like a question.

Then, the weirdest thing happened, he laughed. The man actually laughed. And his laughter was incredible. It was soft and quiet, as if he was afraid to show the rest of the world that he was laughing. It didn’t last long but I couldn’t help feeling mesmerized by it. He took a deep breath before saying, “Shit, you must’ve been so drunk if you can’t remember a thing.”

I chuckled nervously, running my fingers through my shaggy brown hair, trying to shake the feeling I had inside of me. “Yeah, probably.” 

Maybe it was because of my headache but I could feel myself losing my suave self of yesterday. The man probably thought I was acting like a totally different person. Even from my perspective, I knew I was acting strange. The thought that it was the man’s fault scared me. 

I heard the man cough and it made me realise I had been staring at him for a few seconds without saying anything. Uh, can you get even weirder Eren, I scolded myself.

“My name’s Levi by the way.” I swear I could see a light blush on his cheeks as he said that but it could’ve been the alcohol. It was most likely the alcohol. 

I stared at his face. He really was a masterpiece. His face was that of a painting worthy of Leonardo da Vinci. His eyes were like ice that could probably win any staring contest. His mouth was big and inviting. Without even realising it, I could feel myself falling for him. Although, it was most definitely not love. Love to me was unrealistic, a lost dream. But I could feel something deep inside of me and that something was enough to make me back away from Levi.

I looked away from his face quickly. “I’m sorry,” I choked out before walking away. As I walked away from this fictitious reverie that was Levi, I saw Ymir glancing at me and motioning for me to come see her. As I approached, I noticed she was with a small blond girl with flowers in her hair. She looked a bit like a feminine Armin. 

“Eren, meet Christa. She’s my girlfriend,” She said pointedly.

“Okay.” I was not in the mood for small talk.

“I can see you getting red in the face so let me be quick. Eren,” She poked me in the chest to make sure I was listening, “I know a few things about dating alright? So, prepare to hear a lot of relationship advice coming from me from now on.” 

The girl beside Ymir smile up at me from her seat. “And me! From now on you’re my friend, Eren,” She announced. It sounded like I didn’t have a say in the matter.

I was tired and wanted to get home so I looked back at them and sighed. “Okay, fine. But don’t expect me to listen to anything you say, Ymir.”

***

The walk back home was long and boring. The people that were still outside were either drinking or dealing drugs. That used to happen often in Shiganshina. I lived in the poorest place in the world. Okay, definitely not the poorest, but you get the gist. The apartments were falling apart but at least they were cheap and affordable. The streets were always dirty and most people that lived here couldn’t buy their kids enough food to eat. But regardless, when the sun came up, you could still hear the laughter of kids and the strained but happy smiles on their parents’ faces.

When I came home in the dark, I always made sure to not look at anyone and take long and fast steps. Sometimes, I was caught in a little trouble but it never did me any harm. It was mostly dealers warning me not to talk or else they would kill me or whatever. Honestly, I couldn’t care less about their threats since I knew they were just threats. A dead body would not help them stay hidden from the police, especially Trost Police.

I arrived home at 3 o’clock in the morning. Armin and Mikasa were asleep, as always. I took a quick shower and went to bed. It took me an hour before falling asleep because of some stranger’s beautiful eyes and lustful mouth.

***

I woke up by someone shaking me roughly, their grip hard on my shoulders. I opened my eyes to see big blue ones staring at me and heard a boy’s panicked voice.

“Eren! Eren! You’re going to be late!” Armin shrieked.

“Wha…?” I groaned loudly before getting into a sitting position on my bed. I looked at my phone on the bedside table.

10 o’clock.

Oh, sweet mother of fuck. I had forty-five minutes to get to class. I took a deep breath to calm myself. “Okay, when’s the next bus coming?” I asked Armin.

“Five minutes. Are you gonna be okay?” He looked more stressed out than me.

Instead of answering, I got up and ran to the bathroom. I changed clothes in a matter of milliseconds, brushed my teeth as fast as the speed of light, washed my face and then tied my hair without even brushing it. Afterwards, I ran to the door, down the stairs and into the streets in a flash. The bus stop was right next to our apartment so it didn’t take long to reach it. I looked up at the window to see Armin standing there, stress relieved and now laughing. I gave him my middle finger and entered the city bus with a small smile. 

Shiganshina was pretty far from Trost so I always had to leave really early for college. It took at least forty minutes by bus. And then I had to walk a little bit to get to my classes. The bus was full of teenagers screaming and looking proud of missing a school period. Some looked a little nervous and I guessed that it was their first time doing shit like that. It made me sad to see all those kids, wasting their life instead of studying and trying their best. It sucked to think that those kids had probably all given up or just didn’t care enough. 

I could only remember my high school years vaguely. I slept a lot during class and didn’t pay attention. I failed a lot and fooled around. I remember skipping my math classes just to escape this one annoying teacher who had guessed what was going on at my house. Who had seen the bruises and the scars, the limps and the flinching. My father yelling, my father throwing punches, my mother pleading, my mother protecting me, my mother…

I didn’t want to remember that.

I didn’t want to remember.

The bus stopped in front of building A of Trost College. The building was huge and there were people talking and walking all around campus. I jumped out of the bus and into the stone pavement and the growing crowd. There was a group of girls fawning over some guy that I didn’t have the time to look at. The only thing I noticed about him was that he was short and wore a police uniform. I continued walking towards my classroom (it was actually more of a studio), without noticing the policeman’s stare.

***

Jazz was the best invention of all. I could easily forget everything that had happened in the bus and concentrate on my rhythm and my notes. The teacher had gone one on one with another student so, while they were gone, we could do whatever we wanted. The teacher was pretty nice for a music teacher. They were intense and slightly crazy but we were music student. Intense and crazy were our middle names. 

I asked for Conny, our main drummer to drop a beat for us and Sasha, Conny’s girlfriend, started a melody on the saxophone. There was a reason sax was spelled a little bit like sex, the saxophone had always been the sexiest musical instrument. While others joined in the fun, I decided to sit down on the piano and play along too. It had been a long time since I played the piano so I was a bit rusty at first but after the first few scores, I was as good as when I had played with my mother all those years ago. I closed my eyes and let my ears guide me throughout the song.

The sound of the door closing made us all jump back to reality. We stopped playing altogether and looked towards our teacher, Hange. They wanted us to call them Hange, saying that it brought us all closer to each other and, them being a musical genius, we all happily complied.

“Hello everybodyyy!!!” They said as if animating a wrestling show. “That was just wow guys! I can’t believe how much you’ve all grown.” Hange sniffed, pretending to cry. “Anyways, the class will be cut short because there’s a particularly short smartass I gotta meet in a few minutes.”

A girl with pigtails left her hand. “But—”

“You’re all very good so don’t worry! You’ll be fine for the upcoming exam.” Hange interrupted.

We all made our way past Hange and towards the door. When I was about to leave, the teacher called out to me to stay behind.

“Eren. I need to speak with you for a second,” Hange said, looking down at me with their glasses almost falling down from their nose.

“Yeah, sure.” I had a feeling this wasn’t going to be a very good talk so I couldn’t make myself look at them.

“I’ve been hearing rumours…” Hange drifted off, expecting me to fill them in.

“I-I know.”

They sighed. “Eren, I’m not here to judge you. I know you have financial problems but still, I’m worried.”

“I’m fine,” I assured them.

Hange gave me a small smile. “Okay, Eren. But I’m here if you need help okay?”

I gave them a little nod before walking past them. Before opening the door, they said, “You should play piano more often, you’re very talented, Eren.”

I didn’t respond and left without saying anything else, afraid that if I talked, I would break down. As I exited the classroom, I bumped into a man that had been waiting outside. Without looking at him, I said a quiet sorry and continued walking. Before I could make it any further, a deep and rough voice stopped me.

“Brat?”

 

*** Cliffhanger (sort of)***

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, sorry for any spelling mistakes...
> 
> I was on a roll today so I uploaded two times but that probably won't be the case for the next chapters because I have school and homework.
> 
> Jazz is life.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What's considered angst???  
> Whatever...

Oh, shit.

Levi (that was his name, right?) was here. Why in the hell was he here?! Of all places, he just had to go to Trost College. Why?! Life seemed to hate me so much.

“Brat? What the fuck?”

Levi’s voice brought me back from my fast-paced thinking and panicking. I tried to calm myself down but that didn’t work out as well as I would’ve liked. It sounded more like I was hyperventilating. Hyperventilating is not sexy. At all. And my brain, for some reason, thought that it wanted to impress Levi and not try to embarrass myself in front of him like last time. Stupid brain. All I wanted was to stop meeting him everywhere and get on with my miserable life without his laughter and eyes in my head. That was all I wanted. But, as always, my brain kept on doing stupid things.

“Hey brat! I’m talking to you,” Levi said, waving his hands a few inches from my face. He didn’t look angry but he did look annoyed. Although, if I remembered correctly, he always looked annoyed. 

“I-I- Um… Gotta go!” I exclaimed before rushing farther away from him. Hange called after me, their voice laced with worry. I didn’t hear anything from Levi though and I felt a sharp sting in my stomach. I only stopped running when I arrived at the bus station. I leaned forward, resting my hands on my knees, panting loudly. People turned their heads towards me but otherwise left me alone, knowing that a lot of students in college had occasional breakdowns; nothing to worry about. The bus hadn’t arrived yet so I sat on the bench to wait when I heard fast footsteps approaching. My instincts took in so I looked to see if it was anyone I knew, even if the people I knew could be counted on a single hand. It was Levi. Of course, it had to be Levi. He was slightly red in the face but he didn’t look as tired from all the running than I was. In fact, he still looked as gorgeous as before. Damn.

“I think we need to talk, kid,” Levi explained to me at the same time as I said, “We need to talk.” We both looked at each other and then I saw Levi give me a small smile. A. Fucking. Smile. My knees were getting weak.

People were starting to pay attention to our conversation so, without thinking too much, I grabbed his hand and strode off with him on my tail. He didn’t try to break away from my firm hold on him. He just followed me into the park next to the college. When we were far enough away, I stopped next to a small water fountain. I released him from my hand roughly, realising that I had been holding it for a few seconds longer than necessary.

“Okay, let’s talk now,” I said, trying to sound braver than I felt inside.

The man didn’t hesitate and launched right into his questions. “Do you do that with every guy you meet?” He didn’t sound rude when he asked but I could feel myself getting mad. Who was he to ask me that? Did he not realise how mean that was?

I took a deep breath. Calm yourself, I told myself before responding innocently, “Do what?” I was hoping that he wouldn’t elaborate but, unfortunately, he did, with no hesitation whatsoever.

“You know, fuck someone and then punch them before escaping dramatically. It was pretty confusing.” He looked at me pointedly. I guess he was trying to get any reaction from me at this point.

I didn’t want to let him see that his comment had actually hurt me. All I did was give a wink, just like the one I had given him the first night we met, and then said coolly, “Maybe you were just really bad so I did my best to get away from you.”

He gave me a smile that didn’t reach his eyes at all. “Maybe. But, by the way you were enjoying yourself immensely, I doubt it,” He said smugly. 

Fucktard.

But then again, he was right. From what I could remember, it had been the most amazing experience I had ever had. And we had done it in a bathroom stall. A fucking bathroom stall. I imagined his lips on mine, his hands on my hips, on my stomach, going down, down, down. I couldn’t help but think how the experience would’ve been so much better in a proper bed. My train of thought was dangerously going into a place I did not want not go into right now so I pinched myself on the arm, trying to get a hold of myself. From the look on Levi’s face, he knew exactly what I had been thinking of. Or maybe he’d seen me pinch myself and thought I was weird. I really wanted it to be the latter.

“You never told me your name,” He said, staring into my eyes. I looked down at his uniform. He was a police officer. He was from the police. And if there was one thing I hated more than anything in life, it was police offi—

“Eren. Eren Jaeger.” I didn’t even notice the words coming out of my mouth before it was too late. He looked pleased at my response and repeated my name, as if to see how it would taste like on his tongue. The way he said my name twisted something deep inside of me and I felt like my whole world was about to shatter. My brain was no longer leading me, it was now my stupid, stupid emotions. Why did emotions always have to be such pains in the arse? Oh, right. Because life seemed to hate me a little bit too much.

I took a deep breath and, even though it hurt me to say it, I told him, “Look mister Levi, even if I had sex with you, it doesn’t mean I want anything to do with you, okay? So, if we meet again, don’t talk to me.” And, as if to convince myself, I added, “You’re a police officer and I despise the police.” With that said, I walked away before he could talk back to me.

He didn’t come running after me.

***

Later that night, I walked to Dot&Chicks, eyes cast downwards, focused on my mental argument happening in my brain. That seemed to happen more often nowadays. One side was really angry at myself for leaving Levi so suddenly and mostly regretting the comment I had said about the police. I didn’t like that side very much (emotions, ugh). I appreciated the other side that thought I had done pretty well more. That one, I could agree with.

Dot Pixis was waiting for me outside, an unlit cigarette at his mouth. I couldn’t help but think he’d maybe just watched The Fault in our Stars. I walked up towards him, a fake smile on my face.

“Let me guess, it’s just a metaphor,” I joked, pointing at his cigarette.

He grunted in response. That’s basically all he ever did when I talked to him. At first, I had been almost offended by it but now, I had realized it was just his way of getting closer to his caveman instincts. 

Without saying anything else, I entered the bar quickly and walked up to Connie, the barman, aka: My Bald FriendTM. He had already made me my rum and coke. He was a cool friend. Ymir and Reiner were both seated on stools next to the bar and I went to sit beside them. Reiner looked up at me and I could still see the guilt from the other night in his eyes. Good. Ymir didn’t look guilty at all though but that was to be expected.

“Hey Eren. You have the list?” Ymir asked me as soon as I sat down. Either she had been too drunk to recall what she’d told me yesterday or she just felt embarrassed to have shown only a spark of emotions. The songs we were to play tonight were calmer. Pixis had told me a few days beforehand that the night would be reserved for a special group. Apparently, they were all pretty old and didn’t want any loud music.

I handed her the song list I had made and heard her sigh. I frowned. “Is there something wrong?”

She shook her head and Reiner looked like he was about to die when he saw her open her mouth to talk. “We’re still doing covers? Again?”

“Do you really want to have this conversation before playing, Ymir?” I said coldly. The fact that we only did song covers was not supposed to be her problem. She had no say in what I chose to sing. In fact, we weren’t even a band! I finished my drink quickly before heading backstage where I took Hermione out of her case and practised some more. Not really because I needed it but to calm myself down. (Yeah, I know. I have a bit of a temper. Don’t judge me). 

Ymir and Reiner didn’t come to talk to me after that. They left me alone and I was fine with that. I had always been fine with people leaving me alone. Anyways, I was undesirable and always will be. That had always been the way of things. People kept me around for a night but no more than that. Armin and Mikasa were the exception since they had been there for me since the beginning, or the end depending on how you see it.

My father.

My father had tainted me.

Someone patted me on the shoulder and I flinched so badly I fell out of my chair. Ymir stood above me, arms on her waist. She wore a frown on her face and held out her hand for me to take it. I got up on my own, ignoring her outstretched arm. She didn’t say anything but I could feel a question forming at the tip of her tongue. This time, she had the decency not to say anything. 

“The show’s about to start,” Ymir said, “Eren—”

“Let’s go!” I said, a little too enthusiastic. Ymir didn’t say anything else but I could see she was disappointed.

The music started. Reiner on his acoustic bass and Ymir with a bucket. I didn’t have Hermione this time around. For the night, I had Reiner’s acoustic guitar he brought from his house.

Dear I need to make you understand  
It's black and white, each satellite is part of an expanding rubber band  
And so, that's why it's turning in my mind  
I think it's this, but then it's that, it's fine I guess, it happens all the time

The song was nice to play. It wasn’t highly difficult to play but the music was fairly good. If that was what the people wanted, I didn’t have any place to complain.

And so the moon just rolls around the earth  
Yet they both just roll around the sun  
You see we're always part of something bigger than ourselves  
I need the sun, I need the sun  
I need the sun, I need the sun

I looked around the room and didn’t see any icy eyes watching me. In a way, I felt almost upset by it. I felt like crying. Why did I feel like crying?

Streets and lights were meant to suit the night  
Each passing car's a shooting star I know it's complicated but it's right  
And so, I walk, I feel it all inside  
I'm not so big yet not so small it's scary but I'm orbiting it all

Although Levi was most definitely not there, I spotted a speck of brown hair and glasses. Hange. What were they doing here? I thought this was a reserved group? Was it a coincidence for them to here or were they here on purpose? I had so many questions that I wanted them to answer but, at the same time, I really did not want to speak to them. At all. Especially not after our last conversation.

And so the moon just rolls around the earth  
Yet they both just roll around the sun  
You see we're always part of something bigger than ourselves  
I need the sun, I need the sun  
I need the sun, I need the sun

The song ended and I saw Hange clap, staring at me with their crazy eyes. They smiled at me when they noticed me staring back but didn’t come closer to me. I shook my head and jumped right into the other songs. This day was starting to get fairly bad. First Levi, now Hange. It seemed like the universe had made it its mission to obliterate me. 

But I was already broken beyond repair. No one, not even Hange, who thought they could fix anyone as if it were as simple as science, could ever help me. That was my life. Or, depending on how you see it, my lack of life. Mikasa, Armin, Hange, my other teachers, even Levi: They could never save me of what would be coming.

And it was coming soon.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song for chapter 3 is Copernicus by The Seasons.

**Author's Note:**

> The songs for the first chapter were:  
> -Click Click Boom by Saliva  
> -Thnks fr th Mmrs by Fall Out Boy


End file.
